It has been a while

Not that anyone reads my blog, but for yourself Becky. You never stick to anything you start. How pathetic are you? Great and now you are writing to yourself, nice. I fail so completely at life, I am literallty rubbish at everything I do, I am not smart or creative or logical or pretty or even street smart. I want to be an actress but really that is just ridiculous, i mean for one i am not that good and for another i am not attractive enough or skinny enough or anything enough. I am going to live in London in January where i probably won't find a job and i won't pass my audition for drama school and i will fail completely and will have to come back to ecuador and live with my parents and get marrried and have kids and then fill my meaningless life with sordid affairs and pointless sex until i hurt everyone in my life and drive them away and will end my days living with my dog and eventually i will just cease to exist and that will be it. OH HOLY FCK. I can't bear to think that my life will turn into that but if things don't start working out for me somehow then i don't know what i am going to do. Everything lies on this one chance i have to make things work, i need them to work. I am not a person who prays generally but i feel like i have to, there has to be something bigger than this and better than this, this can not be it.